Adoption isn’t for everyone. Time for the barefaced truth (of sorts)!:
You should NOT adopt:
- If you’re a house-proud clean freak who values walls, doors, radiator covers, windows, small terrified pets. Pickle once drew on my white-painted banisters with the puerile excuse of: ‘It was by accident’. It was one hell of a multi-coloured, Pablo-shaming, accident.
- If you have an aversion to all things mucky. Pickle eats mud. He loves being smeared from head to spade-sized foot in mud. He adores hog-rolling around in the mud, jumping in the deepest and muddiest of muddy puddles, preferably just as a random stranger is about to walk past. I won’t get into the recent Peppa Pig debate but, without doubt, that porcine swine needs to take a long hard look at her snout.
- If you don’t like surprises. Every day is a surprise in adoption. The surprises come in all shapes and sizes. Bruise-shaped. Tantrum-sized. Don’t believe for one minute that the miniature man-mountain bulldozing towards you has his arms open for a cuddle. Oh no, he’s going in for the kill.
- If you have low self-esteem. Any dribble of self-esteem you may have will be trampled on. Being told that I was dirty and disgusting was pretty hard to take, but the hard-hitting home-truth that my ‘dancing is rubbish’ tipped me over the edge. (see: How to Pickle a Pickle)
- You like everything to stay just where you put it. If you prefer your shoes on your feet or in the shoe cupboard, rather than in the dog’s bed or up trees then you’re…erm… barking up the wrong…erm… tree. Pickle has a shoe-fetish. He steals them right off your feet and hides them in the most obscure places. Any kind of foliage being the clandestine destination of choice.
- If you don’t like Lego. Lego is almightier than the Almighty. Lego is the cure-all. Lego knows no bounds. Lego is my hero. There should be a Lego law clearly stating the illegalities of not owning Lego. Sod Pets As Therapy. It’s Lego As Therapy. I’m rambling about Lego. I’m so in love with Lego (apart from Lego of the apparently self-propelling variety, then Lego is baaad!)……enough of the Lego.
The adoption process is long-winded. It is scary. It’s laborious. It’s invasive. It is full of the unknown and the unexpected. It will make your life much harder to start with. It isn’t for everyone. But… she who does not challenge herself, will never be able to build a Lego house. Now how unrewarding is that?